I couldn’t wait for the credits of “The Lord of the Rings” to start rolling.
It was either that or the fact that my computer auto-corrected “Inigo Montoya” to “Indigo”.
One of these admissions and transgressions in a blog prompted a subscriber to email and let me know that because I don’t appreciate perhaps the most beloved fantasy-movie trilogy of all time plus the fact that I couldn’t bother to perform a more thorough spell check solidified her decision not to join the gym.
Honestly, I couldn’t tell if she was being serious.
Was she such a fan of Mandy Patinkin in “The Princess Bride” that the sullying of his character’s name with a misspelling was too much to bear?
Was she a card-carrying member of Team Aragorn and her loyalties would preclude her from doing business with someone who didn’t equally enjoy her beloved Lord of the Rings?
It seemed absurd. I didn’t know how to respond.
Sorry?
Fuck off?
I half laughed it off and told her she was valid in her feelings.
I mean, I could do a better job with the spelling and grammar check. Just last week, upon rereading after publishing, I definitely performed the cardinal sin of using “their” instead of “there”.
And I’m certainly no Tolkien. I’ve never even attempted to write a trilogy.
That is, until right now.
Two weeks ago I wrote about fitness transformations. How they need patience and diligence and a lot of what you see online is a bit of a trick and manipulation.
Last week we spoke about how, while solid fitness outcomes do take time, there is a fast lane that requires a plan that makes sense and progresses appropriately.
And now, for my meathead version of “Return Of The King”, I want to look at this topic from a final and perhaps more philosophical angle.
I promise after Frodo and Samwise return to The Shire (or whatever happens at the end of those movies, honestly I wasn’t paying attention) I will move onto another topic next week that will surely include overwrought stories of my childhood and dated pop culture references. I mean, Bieber has been out of my crosshairs for three weeks now and I’m sure he’s feeling lonely.
Speaking of Bieber, in an early blog I referenced that Bieber loved Brazilian hookers (the story was popular in the news at that time) and that led to my first vocal unsubscriber who told me she was leaving because I was being insensitive.
I still can’t figure out who I was being insensitive to. Bieber? Sex workers? Brazil? I probably should have asked for clarification.
In any case, that’s not what you are here for. You are here for my thoughtful ramblings about fitness. I won’t make you wait any longer.
There are only two finite resources you have in life. Two things that will deteriorate and expire and there isn’t much you can do about it. Money, education and genetics may influence them, but will not stop them from ultimately slipping away.
The first is time.
Sure, you can extend the amount of time you have by exercising or not driving drunk or eating your vegetables but, Bryan Johnson be damned, eventually time runs out for us all. Mortality has a 100% win rate.
The second is your body.
When I was a kid I loved the “Six Million Dollar Man”. A television show about an astronaut who survived a horrific crash with the help of bionic replacement parts.
And just two months ago my mother got a knee replacement. Imagine that, they just take out your old knee and replace it with a new, plastic one.
But replacement parts and bionic people aside, your body still wears out slowly over time. You may be able to extend its viability from eighty years old to ninety years old or even one hundred and twenty two years old but, eventually, time runs out.
About 110 billion people have roamed the Earth. None have ever been able to beat the time and body game.
So, what is there to do?
You can look at this problem one of two ways.
The first is you can just say ‘fuck it” and go down in flames. Your body is going to fail and you are going to run out of time eventually so why not just enjoy it? Load up on a daily diet of KFC. Start fights with random strangers on the street. Have unprotected sex with Justin Bieber’s aforementioned friends.
A good strategy, perhaps, if you were going to die tomorrow. But considering things don’t work that way this strategy just leads you to years of sleep apnea, losing a couple of fingers and toes to diabetes, more than a few black eyes and whatever happens when you contract gonorrhea (I was too afraid to Google this).
I’d probably choose to look at it from the other angle. Since your time and your body are your most finite resources you should treat them as preciously as possible. Value them. Try to get the most out of them. Hold them closer to your heart than a five year old hugs her favorite teddy bear.
OK, so how do you do that?
The first is to take action.
I speak to a lot of people who are interested in training. And I understand that there is a hesitancy in both getting started and spending money on something they ultimately might feel is the wrong decision, But stalling - even if the action you ultimately turns out to be a failure - is a massive mistake.
Could you imagine if Hemmingway spent decades contemplating whether he should start writing. Or if Eddie Van Halen just looked at the guitar sitting in the corner of his room, hesitant to start playing because everyone sucks at first?
No, Ernest probably wrote tons of terrible stories. Eddie probably complained to his brother about how his fingers hurt when trying to form an F barre chord. But they did it. They started. And they got through the suck and got good. It’s how everyone who isn’t a savant does it.
Success is a terrible teacher. Don’t be afraid to be unprepared or to be terrible. Get in the ring. Time is ticking.
With that being said, there are ways to shortcut the process. Whatever it is you are looking to do, whether that is become a great writer or guitar player or, ahem, successful in the gym, there is nearly a 100% chance that someone has already been successful in that thing.
And there is almost an equal chance that you can study the path they took or, even better, hire them, get mentored by them or volunteer for them and get better at that thing instantly.
I’m not a good guitar player but I’ve been playing and studying it for a long time. And every day I see another YouTube video that teaches me something I didn’t know before. Imagine if I had to figure that all out for myself? Imagine if I had to figure out how to fix things in my house without being able to call my Dad who is about the handiest guy you’ll ever meet? The ceramic soap dish in my son’s bathroom would still be jagged and broken.
OK, let’s recap. When it comes to time, don’t be afraid to take action and find someone who has already cleared the path that you want to go down.
When it comes to your body, here comes the same advice that I always give you. Engage in a strength training program three times per week. Adding in low to moderate intensity cardio a couple of times per week and getting some movement in each day (even if that means walking) is remarkably helpful. Eat a nutritious diet in the proper quantities. Get adequate and consistent sleep. Maintain relationships that elevate you and eliminate the ones that drain you. Drink water. Take care of your mental state - meditation is one of the great ways to do this and is quite time efficient.
Boring, I know. But I can’t always be Beyonce out here with these blogs. Racking up Grammy’s and wearing sparkly dresses and riding a white horse.
Finally, you can combine these two ideas by following great programs or hiring great coaches who can put you on the fast track to great training, nutrition, sleep, etc.
Remember, don’t hesitate. Don’t wait until the membership at the gym you actually hate going to runs out to try another one because God-forbid there is a time overlap between the one you are dying to quit and the one you are dying to go to.
Don’t be afraid to try out that new dietician or meditation class or whatever. Get started. Take a leap. You can always adjust if it’s the wrong place and you will shorten the time to your goals immensely even if there is some pain involved.
I know you. You aren’t afraid of a little discomfort.
If you were, you wouldn’t have gotten this far.