We took our son home to the tiny 500 square foot apartment that was already a bit cramped for two people plus a dog and was most certainly going to be jammed with three.
But I loved that apartment. It was the first property we ever owned and it was in the middle of a beautiful neighborhood that made me feel like myself.
If you stood at just the right angle in the six inches between the bed and the wall you could look out the window and get a mostly unobstructed view of downtown Manhattan.
And for the first nearly three years of his life I would hold my son in my arms every morning, look out the window and yell out the following mantra:
“Good morning New York City. I’m baby Henry. This is my town. It’s going to be a big day!”
And then I’d thrust his right arm up in the air as if he’d just won the heavyweight championship belt on a Saturday night at a sold out Madison Square Garden.
Beyond bonding with my son, I realize now that I was probably, mostly talking to myself.
We had just opened the business (scary!) and I had just become a first-time Dad (scary!) and I was pretty sure I had no idea what I was doing.
And, it turns out, I was correct.
There is no shortage of research on the power of positive self talk. How athletes or actors or anyone who needs to perform can boost that performance by getting themselves in a positive mental and physical state.
And there is equal study that shows that thinking negative thoughts before a big lift or competition or test will negatively impact those outcomes.
And this makes sense. We are not robots. We are creatures that are, by design, influenced deeply by the words and thoughts that we tell ourselves or are told to us by others.
But less discussed is a different type of negative self talk that is equally as damaging.
It’s the little lies we tell ourselves.
These aren’t the in-the-moment “I’m going to miss this free throw” or “I forgot everything I studied!” as the test lands on your desk.
This is the “I know I said I’d go to the gym today, but I’ll start fresh tomorrow” or “I need to meal prep for the week but the new season of The Bear premiers tonight”.
And weeks go by before you step foot in the gym. And all the ground turkey and veggies start to turn an odd color in your fridge and in two or three days they’ll just find their way to the bottom of the kitchen garbage while you order DoorDash from that great Mexican place down the street.
What’s so dangerous about the little lies is that they aren’t black-and-white. You aren’t telling yourself there’s no way you could possibly squat this weight and it might kill you. Rather you are “definitely” still going to do the thing, you’ll just do it later.
But later often doesn’t come. And the sneakers never get tied up for that run and that seventy-nine dollar monthly gym-membership charge hits your credit card as a reminder that you didn’t go again this month.
Telling yourself positive stories needs to go beyond the moment you step under the bar or deliver the big speech. It needs to permeate all your actions and preparation leading up to those moments so you are justified in your confidence.
And that starts by doing the things you said you are going to do and, at the very least, not lying to yourself about your intention to do them.
It's the first, important step in being successful.
We moved out of that apartment and that neighborhood years ago. We live on the other side of the river now into a bigger and yet somehow still-too-small apartment. My son is no longer “Baby Henry” (although he’ll always be “my baby” - you parents out there know where I’m coming from) and he’s gotten too big to hold up to a window.
But every so often, when I’m really feeling the pressures of life (which is way more regularly than I feel comfortable to admit) I walk up those subway stairs in the morning, look around at the people and the sun reflecting off building windows and I remember those words I told him all those years ago.
And I do my best to be truthful to myself.
And I do everything I can to have a big day.