Are you familiar with Am I The Asshole?
No, this isn’t a bygone drinking game from your college days nor the title of an unreleased 2015 Justin Bieber EP.
Am I The Asshole is a subreddit.
Quickly, a subreddit is a sort of bulletin board on a website called Reddit.
There’s a subreddit for seemingly any topic you can imagine. If you are into kayaking or van life or Japanese tattoos or building PCs there is a sub with an alarming number of posts, articles and people discussing the subject.
I love Reddit as it’s filled with people who are obsessed with various topics and I am captivated by obsession.
It can also be the worst place on the internet for those exact same reasons.
One of the more popular subs is the aforementioned Am I The Asshole in which the poster describes some relationship or moral or logistical dilemma and then crowdsources whether or not they are in the right or in the wrong.
In other words, are they handling this issue correctly or are they being an asshole.
Recently, two surprisingly related posts got my attention.
In the first, a husband, while doing some renovations, found his wife’s “go bag”. Turns out that though they’ve been married for 5 years, have a two year old daughter and seemingly have a healthy relationship, the wife had been convinced by other women that she should have a go bag - essentially a duffle filled with some clothes and underwear, a burner phone, some cash and snacks - just in case the relationship suddenly went south or, even worse, violent and she needed to get out quickly.
The husband, who is the one posting, feels like this is a huge violation of trust as he has never done anything to make her feel unsafe. He’s claiming that without trust he can’t be in the relationship and wanted to know if he is the asshole for breaking it off.
In the second, a woman (also a wife) was asking if she was the asshole for having a secret bank account with $47,000 in it.
Apparently the husband was once successful, had fallen on hard times, is now working two jobs and is also driving Uber in his spare time and was looking for ways to downgrade their lifestyle so they could survive (she openly admitted that she refused to downgrade their living situation). He asked if she would return to work but she wasn’t keen on doing so (they are childless from what she revealed in the post).
He was looking at their expenses (which she apparently handled as part of the household responsibilities) and noticed that she’d been siphoning off about $800 per month into a “security account” as, once again, she was advised to by some family members just in case things went south suddenly.
In this case she wanted to know if she was the asshole for refusing to use that money to get them out of a tough financial spot.
My view, for what it’s worth, is in the first case, yes, the husband is being the asshole. It’s not that I don’t get his concerns and I understand his feelings. But what I think he is failing to realize is that, even in healthy relationships, women (particularly when they aren’t in charge or have access to the family finances) are much more vulnerable than men are. And while discovering a “go bag” certainly doesn’t feel great, I think it’s also understandable and not worth blowing up the relationship over.
In the second scenario, the wife is being the asshole. Sure, protect yourself. But in this case she isn’t willing to make any sacrifices in lifestyle and this guy (and their home) is clearly drowning. Tough to make the case for refusing to release nearly $50k and make some changes while her husband is doing everything in his power to support their needs.
Two similar situations but with very, very different circumstances.
When it comes to gym etiquette, circumstances can also dictate what is appropriate behavior.
For sure things like putting your equipment away, not hogging half the gym with your complex circuits or wiping the pool of sweat off your bench are common-sense and always the right thing to do.
But some gym situations are not quite as clear.
Luckily your old Uncle Dan, who has spent more than an hour or two in the gym, is here to help you navigate some of the trickier issues that might pop up the next time you are in a crowded gym, awaiting your turn on the bench press with the rest of the known world at 5PM on a Monday night.
Giving people form advice/correction
You might experience Kanye-levels of self control (ie. none) when you see someone doing a cat-backed deadlift or quarter squat in the gym. You know you can help! You can teach them a better way!
But I am here to tell you that, unless you are specifically asked, do not dole out unsolicited advice.
There was a time where the gym was filled with dudes all trying to figure this stuff out. There was no internet or social media. There were barely any textbooks or magazines. So we relied on giving each other advice and the more experienced guys would mentor the younger guys who showed up and were dedicated.
And while that was great and I’d argue led to the best outcomes, that is not the environment in gyms currently, So unless you are asked, are the person’s training partner or have been hired to help them, put in your Airpods and let them be.
This advice triples if you are a guy and the trainee-in-distress happens to be a woman. It’s my understanding and observation that women, in general, are tired of dudes walking up on them in the gym and trying to mansplain training to them.
Again, you could have the best intentions. Your advice could help them get more out of the exercise or mitigate the risk of injury. So it makes all the sense in the world that you should offer your help.
But don’t do it. Unless you are asked, know the person or have been hired, keep your distance.
Dropping weights
There are actually times when dropping weights is completely appropriate.
If you are engaging in Olympic lifts - cleans, jerks, snatches - dropping weights is an accepted and normal part of the sport.
Also, if your safety is at risk - you are failing a squat or can’t complete a rep with a dumbbell - dumping the weight rather than sustaining an injury is certainly acceptable.
Throwing weights around just so you can feel powerful, draw attention to yourself or act like a tough guy, however, makes you one of the most hated people in the gym. If this describes you, you are probably also the most hated person outside the gym. So while this might be on brand, also realize you are being a dick.
It’s also important to keep in mind that some gyms have a no dropping policy in order to reduce the odds of structural damage to their buildings or their lease depends on them keeping noise and vibrations to a minimum. If that’s the case, realize that O-lifts and lifts to failure aren’t appropriate. Respect the gym.
Filming your lifts
You can lament this all you want but there is no shortage of people who seemingly work out for social media clout. There are also more and more trainees who film their lifts in order to form check or as a way of keeping track of their lifts. A video training log, if you will.
But whether or not they are doing it for the 'Gram or for educational purposes, more and more people are breaking out their phones and filming their training sessions.
Personally, I don’t think this is a bad thing.
However you can easily go from ‘harmless guy filming his bench press” to “gym douchebag number one” if a) your filming interrupts other people who are trying to train b) you start doing crazy shit just to make a spectacle of yourself and, worst of all, c) you film and make fun of other innocent and unsuspecting people who are just trying to workout in order to make some sort of “gym fail” reel in the hopes of getting IG followers.
Why this makes you an asshole should require no explanation.
Shorting range of motion or reps
I’m going to tell you a short and 'completely fictional' story of a trainer who consistently shaved reps in order to improve his score on our leaderboard.
He lost the respect of his fellow coaches and he no longer works here. The end.
It’s easy to get carried away and put some weight on the bar that precludes you from achieving full range of motion or to do 18 burpees instead of 20 in order to make the pain of the workout end and post a better time.
But, truly, you're not impressing anyone. And while your gym reputation may not be the most important thing in your life, how you do anything is how you do everything, as they say. The gym should be a place where you do everything with integrity because that is completely in your control.
And, honestly, no one cares if it took you 1:48 to complete your set of thrusters instead of 1:43 or if you have 80 kilos on the bar instead of 83.
No one likes a liar. Particularly when they are training their asses off and doing everything that is asked of them.
Don’t bullshit your workouts.
And while we are on the topic of bullshit, this leads me beautifully back to Am I The Asshole.
If there is one thing that I’ve learned from reading those posts is, if you have to ask, the answer is usually “yes”.
True both in and out of the gym.